The Weight of Six Years

Today, my heart feels heavier than ever. It carries the burden of six years – years filled with love, hope, betrayal, and heartbreak. I gave my all to someone who never truly valued me. I trusted him with my heart, my time, and my energy, only to be left shattered. He cheated, he disrespected me, and yet, I stayed believing that love could mend what was already broken beyond repair.

I let go of so much just to keep him happy my friends, my passions, even my freedom. I stopped going on shoots, distanced myself from people who genuinely cared, and even picked up smoking because of his influence. I kept changing, hoping he would love me more. But it was never enough. He never celebrated my birthdays or our anniversaries. I waited endlessly for his calls, wishing he’d choose me over his friends, but that call never came.

Worst of all, he made me question my worth. His words about my body, his controlling behavior, checking my phone, and even raising his hand on me after drinking these moments haunt me. I stood up against my family for him, brought him into my world, while he kept me hidden in his. I lost myself in a relationship that only drained me, giving everything and receiving nothing in return.

I hate how much I loved him. I hate that I invested six years of my life six precious years I can never reclaim. Now, I feel empty. Trusting someone again feels impossible. I question everything my looks, my body, my worth. Will anyone ever love me for who I am? Will someone see past my scars and love me without judgment?

I am scared. Scared to open up, scared to love, scared to trust. These emotions trap me, keeping me awake at night with questions that have no answers. Will I ever heal? Will I find someone who helps me move on? Will I ever experience love without fear?

I wish I could switch off these feelings, but they linger, making it hard to breathe at times. Yet, through the pain, I hold on to hope. I want to believe that there’s light ahead that someday, someone will love me deeply, gently, and unconditionally. And maybe, just maybe, I will learn to love myself again too.

Khushbu Shah